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Friday, 4 February 2022

Review: Moonfall

One of the classics of (literal) lunacy in paperback form is George H. Leonard's Someone Else is on Our Moon, a book based entirely on blurry photos of the moon's surface which the author has stared at for hours until he finally saw alien machines and hatches and loads of other cool stuff. That's not a joke: he actually advises his readers to do the same. There's a reason why the cover says "Startlingly Illustrated".

Presumably Roland Emmerich felt simply adapting this directly to the screen would have resulted in a film of limited appeal, as it would largely consist of the author harassing NASA scientists while arguing with fellow crackpots about exactly which moons in our solar system were actually alien spaceships ("all of them?"). Instead, Moonfall takes the basic idea of Leonard's book, bolts on a standard space disaster movie template, and drags things out for 130 minutes when 90 would have done just fine.

Ten years ago Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson) and Jo Fowler (Halle Berry) were happy astronauts on a space shuttle satellite repair mission when Things Went Wrong. A supporting character died, Harper was disgraced, and ten years later he's a earth-bound bum whose wife has left him for some rich dude (Michael Pena), his eldest son (Charlie Plummer) is a hot-rodding delinquent, and who really cares because the moon is about to crash into the Earth and kill us all.

While NASA deputy chief Fowler (who is now divorced but has a Chinese exchange student) is concerned about this top secret news, crackpot loser K.C. Houseman (John Bradley) has also figured out the moon is getting closer by using stolen telescope time to calculate stuff and not by looking at the moon and saying "looks bigger than usual". 

Nobody at NASA will take him seriously for the exact same reasons nobody took George H. Leonard seriously, and by the time we get to see a meeting of the "megastructure" nutjob society ("megastructure" equals "the moon is a spaceship") it really does start to feel like the production company owes Leonard a few bucks.

The moon gets closer, people start to panic, Harper turns out to have been right, Houseman also turns out to be right, everyone else in a uniform is wrong, Donald Sutherland is in the film for maybe three minutes as his character from JFK yet again, and swarms of evil nanotechology are eating humanity's attempts to solve the moon problem. Before long a rag-tag group of previously mentioned heroes are setting off in a spaceship they got out of a museum with "Fuck the Moon" painted on the side to save the day while their loved ones drive around on an increasingly wacky Earth.

Fans of reality will enjoy the way this ignores pretty much everything we know about how gravity and oxygen works, while the big ticket scenes of devastation often lack the required massive carnage and city-wide destruction. Instead, we get meteor showers and giant tides (Chicago gets trashed by both), plus car chases with and without guns, which seems like a failure of imagination in a movie where people are literally being dragged off the surface of the Earth. Fortunately for the plot, more than one extremely heavy object suddenly becomes super-light when the new, closer moon is overhead to lend a hand.

On the plus side, the core cast are likable enough, there are some evil gun-toting rednecks who like to rob refugees, and once the megastructure side of things comes into play in the second half there's more than enough quasi-epic silliness going on to make up for the relatively unimpressive - numerous ominous shots of a giant moon looming over an increasingly shattered Earth aside - disaster on the ground.

As is often the case with this kind of film, the best way to enjoy it is in hindsight as a barely connected series of ludicrous moments. Though even the non-disaster scenes have an enjoyably off-kilter humour to them: if you don't like the scene where the hero literally tries to outright bribe a judge in the lobby of the courthouse, maybe you'll enjoy a trigger happy millionaire Aspen survivalist named (of course) Karen.

- Anthony Morris


 


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