The Glimmer Man

Marlon Brando is back and he's kicking heads in The Glimmer Man... oh wait, that's Steven Seagal. Yep, the fattest man in action is even heftier in his latest outing, and to hide it he's wearing even stranger jackets and lots of black (tip for Steve: You can put a black sheet over a couch, but it still looks like a couch - and so do you). Still, he's the man to beat when it comes to slapping guys around and impaling them on anything that just happens to be around, and fans'll be glad to know he doesn't hold back on either. Then again, going by his rapidly expanding waistline (he eats dinner on-camera here), Seagal's not one to hold back on anything, especially if there's salt on it.

Story-wise it's Steven Seagal meets Seven: It's raining a lot, there's a serial killer called 'The Family Man' on the loose, and two miss-matched cops team up to track him down - only here the serial killer's got something to do with the Russian mob, there's an evil conspiracy to frame one of the cops (Seagal) for the killings, and the other cop (Keenen Ivory Wayans) gets to say lines like "I'm gonna go suck on some deer penis". All the usual Seagal elements are here - everyone says how great he is (Wayans says "He took 'em out like Bruce Lee, only better." - maybe he meant "fatter"), he craps on about the wisdom of the East, he wears love beads and jackets made out of tinfoil, he's got a mysterious CIA hitman past, and he slaps people around a lot.

The problems start when they introduce a plot, because when Seagal's idea of conducting a freelance autopsy involves cutting out a dead woman's breast implants you know this isn't exactly Silence of the Lambs. The editing during the fight scenes is so incoherent they make no sense at all so they fit in well with the plot, though you've got to give points to a movie with a credit card that cuts peoples throats and overall they're still more interesting than a Barbra Streisand film. This may be just as silly and mindlessly enjoyable as all of Seagal's other films, but it's obvious he's just marking time 'till he achieves his dream role - Jabba the Hut in the new Star Wars movies. Hey, he's already got the chins for it.

Anthony Morris

(this review appeared in Forte#132)