Review: Expend4bles

The hook with the original Expendables was simple: all your old favourite action heroes are back! Well, not all of them, but over the next couple of movies they managed to pull pretty much everyone from the 80s and 90s back onto the big screen one last time. But even if you haven't looked at a calendar lately you'd be aware that the 80s aren't getting any closer time-wise: how do you make an action sequel starring classic action heroes when they're finally too old for this shit?

If you're Expend4bles, you just leave all the oldies out of it. The series has always thrown in a few younger stars here and there, with Jason Statham as the co-lead to bring in action fans who like their stars to still be able to kick their way out of trouble. It's been almost a decade since the last film and Statham's now the only cast member left with any kind of box office clout - even series star Sylvester Stallone has moved over to TV - and this is his film in all but name.

After a middle east massacre led by bad guy Suarto (Iko Uwais) and a totally unrelated bar fight over a ring belonging to Barney (Stallone) that couldn't possibly become relevant later, the plot kicks in. A mysterious bad guy from Barney's past (codename: Ocelot) is back, and CIA handler Marsh (Andy Garcia) wants The Expendables to investigate the carnage in Libya that presumably has been going on for days considering Suarto is still driving around shooting stuff when they finally arrive.

Lee Christmas (Statham), Gunnar (Dolph Lungren, now with longer hair that the film feels needs explaining), Toll Road (Randy Couture), and newcomers Easy Day (50 Cent) and Galan (Jacob Scipio) are the ground team, while Barney stays with the plane overhead. Where is the safest place to be when Suarto and his team start blowing even more stuff up? The answer may surprise you.

After the bungled mission - turns out Suarto escaped with a trigger that'll enable Ocelot to create an atomic bomb - Christmas is on the outs and his sex buddy Gina (Megan Fox) is the new team leader. While she's off to get the trigger back, he's stuck working as a bodyguard for an online influencer while wearing his old suit from The Transporter films.

Previous films in the series sold the idea of international mercenaries traveling the globe killing people while looking like an over-the-hill bikie gang. Much of the rest of this one takes place on an old freighter in the middle of nowhere. It makes for a decent enough action location while still giving off distinct "we ran out of money" vibes, but at least it means less need for cheap-looking CGI.

The smaller scale does have some advantages. This is basically a Jason Statham (and friends) movie (Stallone sits much of it out), which means the fights are usually decent, there's a few comedy scenes that aren't completely embarrassing, and the whole thing moves forward with the bare minimum of time wasting subplots or fan service. It's nothing special, but it's been a long time since the first Expendables was a surprise hit, and seeing this kind of basic action movie on the big screen is increasingly rare.

The problem is that The Expendables franchise was never a traditional action series. Having the oldies stagger out for one last punch-up was the whole point; with the pensioners now pensioned off, all that's left is new faces delivering the same old mindless world-saving violence. 

If they're going to make Lee Christmas the star, time to latch onto the latest action trend and just set it during Christmas with a Christmas pun for a title; paint a few hand grenades to look like Christmas baubles, wrap some tinsel around a knife, and Expendables:5lay Ride is a sure-fire hit.

- Anthony Morris