Review: Black Christmas

It’s the holiday season, and most of the students are heading home from Hawthorne College. Unfortunately, some of them will be heading home in a body bag thanks to a mysterious cloaked maniac. Sounds like a generic slasher story? Maybe because the original Black Christmas pretty much invented the slash genre? 

You wish; this (third) remake of the classic horror film has found the one ingredient guaranteed to turn a mildly creepy film into sure-fire nightmare fodder: loads and loads of one-sided and sophomoric discussions about sexism and the patriarchy.

Okay, there is a small amount of showing mixed in with all the telling, as Riley Stone (Imogen Poots) and her friends plan to get payback on a creepy frat (one member sexually attacked Riley a few years ago and got away with it)  just as the aforementioned masked slasher is murdering women one by one.

Come to think of it, it's hard to be sure at times that these women are actually being murdered, as the film constantly cuts away from their possibly brutal deaths before even the slightest amount of gore can been seen. In fact, there's a weird post-murder scene at one point where we're shown a corpse just dumped on a balcony in broad daylight, presumably to confirm that the woman actually was killed, which we need to know because of Plot Reasons.

Anyway, the suspect list is fairly lengthy, and yes I'm joking because this is a movie that features multiple scenes discussing how all frat boys are rapists so obviously the frat is involved. What about a misogynistic professor (Cary Elwes)? Sure, why not. And the sinister bust of the College's founder? Yeah, go nuts. Especially as none of this makes any sense whatsoever.

Which is not usually a problem in horror movies, but the slasher side of things here is straightforward and uninspired, especially as the (clearly edited) kills themselves are largely bloodless. Exactly why this story had to be told as a slasher film is up for debate - and these characters love a good debate - as the generic stalk and slash scenes and muddled supernatural element make it clear that the film-maker's passion lies elsewhere.

That's frustrating, because when the film-makers are engaged this actually does have a fair bit to offer. Riley's trauma is well handled, the blunt way this confronts campus rape culture has real force, and the women's (initial, comedic) revenge on the frat hits home surprisingly hard. What this feels like is a decent short film about a group of young women taking back their power after one of them was abused and the school did nothing, only with a whole lot of half-hearted slasher stuff wrapped around it.

Men don't come out of this well, but it's hardly man-hating; all the female characters (outside of Riley) are just as preachy and one dimensional. One of the women spends the entire movie lecturing everyone around her, (she even gets to say "did you just 'not all men' me?" to one of her friend's boyfriends; the slasher then kills him) - including telling Riley she's not dealing with her trauma the right way (by fighting back). 

Instead of getting it in the neck, she turns out to be so right about everything even Riley tells her "you were right to constantly nag and lecture me, an abuse survivor, for not doing things the right way which is obviously your way". Only with slightly less words.

A horror movie where you want everyone to die isn't really doing its job; a horror movie where you can't even tell who's actually died is somehow even worse. There's a thousand horrific stories to be told about the patriarchy, but this isn't any of them. It's not even a decent Christmas movie! Go watch Silent Night, Deadly Night instead.

- Anthony Morris

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