Review: The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

There’s a certain kind of Disney film that, given a hundred million dollars, you could probably make yourself. You know the type: after a brief handful of scenes set in a twee version of the recent past (the more English the better) to establish various rote character conflicts almost always involving family (dead parents usually come in handy here), our plucky lead finds themselves transported into a magical fantasy world that doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense and can possibly be read simply as a metaphor for our lead’s personal issues. 

Once in that fantasy world - which is almost always vaguely medieval and somewhat rural rather than steampunk urban or, say, Roman - she or he (but usually she) meets a collection of characters – some CGI, some big-name actors in outlandish costumes – while wandering through a variety of lavish yet somehow generic locations. Forests are good but castles are better, and once you throw in a couple of waterfalls or a mountain or two you're pretty much sorted.  For some reason, beaches rarely get a look in.

Now settled in at the castle, because our heroine is either "the chosen one" or some other obviously important figure from the past who is immediately inserted into an (often ceremonial) position of power rather than forced to muck out the stables for the next decade, she rapidly discovers there's some kind of conflict either long-brewing or about to come to a head. But good news! Being the chosen one / daughter of the former chosen one / clearly a magical visitor from a fabled land, she's the one who can restore peace to the kingdom.

Unfortunately the path to peace is being peddled by someone who seems just a little bit too eager to use our heroine's mythical status for their own power-hungry ends, and so before too long it's betrayal time as the good guys turn bad and the bad guys turn out to be plucky rebels / the last remains of the old way of life / just plain misunderstood. Kid, don't trust adults unless they're clearly trying to sell you something.

Now set on the right path, our heroine tools up for the fight in a way that often but not always involves literally using weapons (but only if this provides a kind of ironic counterpoint / "this isn't your parents fairytale" spin on how the heroine is traditionally seen), there's some sneaking around followed by some kind of exciting but strangely un-involving battle or chase sequence that ends when the bad guy is defeated and their army (which was on the point of victory) collapses without them. Hurrah!

Everyone now learns the importance of not being evil or prejudging people or whatever blah blah blah medal ceremony, tearful departure, magic is great, now all my emotional issues are resolved and I am an emotionally healthy adult unless I have to go back for the sequel, merch is on sale in the lobby or online.

If you like that, enjoy this.

- Anthony Morris