Review: The Meg

It takes a lot of skill to make a firmly forgettable film about a giant killer prehistoric shark running amok at a public beach. Blame Jason Statham: without him this wouldn't even be watchable, let alone something you might possible recall a week from now when looking at a picture of the ocean. "Didn't I see a shark movie recently?" you might think. You might even be right.

The story isn't exactly a pressing requirement but here goes: years ago professional underwater rescue guy Jonas Taylor (Statham) had a deep sea rescue interrupted by what he - and nobody else - believed was a giant shark. Now he's a washed up drunk, as shown by the way the next time we see him he's got a beer bottle in his hand and lives above a bar. But that doesn't matter (literally - as soon as he puts down the beer it's never mentioned again), because a bunch of hi-tech science guys have gone deeper than anyone though possible and now a shark is chewing on their sub. Get me Jonas Taylor!

For an actor people thought stopped caring five films back Statham gives a surprisingly strong performance here; with this, his recent work in the Fast & Furious films, and Spy (he's got to be the only reason they're currently making a Spy 2) he’s back as one of Hollywood more entertaining not-quite leading men. Here he's clearly having slightly more fun than the film (which is long and drawn-out for most of the running time) deserves; even when he's acting alongside a cute kid he's able to make it work.

But who cares about the humans? It's a movie about a giant shark: IS THERE ANY GORE? Sadly no, unless you count the chum they tip into the water at one point when they’re trying to lure the shark to its doom. And while there are a couple of severed body parts left behind, this is really pretty mild on the chomp scale... which is even more disappointing as most of the supporting cast seem perfect shark snacks. Ok, the Chinese characters have to live (or do they?) because it's Chinese money that's behind this film, but what kind of a world do we live in where Ruby Rose plays a "cool chick" named Jaxx whose only character trait is her hair and yet she doesn't get eaten?

This might be a spoiler but it's for your own good: the sole black character in the film who is also the most annoying character in the film - seriously, he's named "DJ"; the end credits song really should have been The Smith's 'Panic' so we could sing along with the "hang the DJ" line -  does not get eaten. Not even a little bit. Clearly, something is badly wrong with this film. But the shark looks cool, there are a few effective jump scares, and… look, it’s Statham versus a shark. You’ve probably already bought your ticket.

- Anthony Morris