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Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Aliens vs Predator: Requiem

"People are dying! We need guns!" You can't just make up dialogue like that - you have to pay a Hollywood scriptwriter a six figure sum to get them to create such deathless prose. And AvP:R, as the marketing people would have you call this instead of something more accurate but less printable in a family publication, is full of great dialogue like that. But don't worry: the rest of the film works on that same lofty level, so you won't be distracted from the gaping plot holes, pathetic acting, insultingly dull fight scenes, and total disregard for logic that makes this film one of the bigger pieces of junk to float down the movie sewer in recent months. At this point you're probably shaking your head and thinking "well, what did he expect - all anyone could seriously ask from a film like this is some enjoyably stupid monster-on-monster action, not Shakespeare". And you're right: the standards for this kind of film are pretty low, and yet this fails to even come close to that. For starters, why is a third of the film taken up by a jocks versus geeks plotline that no-one cares about? Why does a tiny rural town have sewers you could drive a truck through? Why does the predator - sent on a mission to kill off an alien infestation and erase all traces of extra-terrestrial life on Earth - go around punching holes in the road and skinning human beings? How many aliens are supposed to be on the loose anyway? Why doe the Predator only fight aliens in dark, wet places where you can't tell who's fighting who? And most importantly of all, why would anyone in their right mind pay to see this?

Anthony Morris (this review appeared in Forte #419)

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