Valentines' Day

It's a rule of entertainment: first genres become popular, then they become formulaic, then they go out of style. Judging by Valentine's Day, the long, long reign of the romantic comedy is set to come to an end. What it looks like is what it is: an American version of Love, Actually, only set over the course of a single day (no prizes for guessing what day that is). But where the often sickening Love, Actually would occasionally throw in an unexpected storyline (the nude extras or Bill Nighy in the role that revived his career) or interesting twist (Alan Rickman cheating on Emma Thompson), this is mostly charmless and totally predictable right down the line.

If characters are single, who'll they'll pair off with is obvious from the first time they meet; if characters are lying or unsure about love, it's clear early on so their partners can move on; if you're a cute little kid wanting to give flowers to someone at your school, the least surprising twist is the one to expect, and so on. If the existence of gay men is a surprise to you the you might be mildly shocked with one or two of the developments here and the dim-witted teens played by Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are pretty funny (the Twilight star gets the best line of the film: "I'm not used to taking my shirt off in public"), but otherwise this is just a delivery system for a collection of romantic cliches most greeting card companies wouldn't touch these days.

It's actually depressing to realise that with close to a dozen storylines here not one contains anything approaching a fresh insight into romance or relationships - but realistically, if you're planning to see this you almost certainly don't care. But be warned: you're going to owe your boyfriend big time after this.

Anthony Morris (this review appeared in Forte #474)

Precious

You'd be forgiven for steering clear of Precious based on the plot alone: it's the late 1980s in New York City, and a isolated teenage girl with a shocking home life is rescued from grinding poverty and abuse by a gorgeous teacher who fills her life with hope. It was painful when it was called Dangerous Minds back in the mid 1990s and as stories go it hasn't gotten any better since: no wonder Oprah got behind this film.

But Precious forces life into it's many, many cliches by pushing them all as far as they can go - and then some. Precious herself (Gabourey Sidibe) isn't just poor: she's grossly overweight, has a down syndrome baby called Mongo - by her abusive father no less and she's pregnant with his second child. And things just keep on getting worse over the course of this film, but somehow the constant onslaught of bad news never gets tiring. Precious' mother Mary (Mo'Nique) is the scariest thing you'll see on screen this (or any other) year, a swearing, violent, TV throwing, baby dropping sexually abusive horror that'll haunt your nightmares. She's the best thing in this wildly uneven film.

From the early scenes where Precious steals dinner from a chicken shop through her wince inducing fantasies of fame until her mother's final shocking monologue to an appalled social worker (Mariah Carey no less), this film swings between being yet another trite "inspiring" tale of high school poverty to a raw knuckle attack on those very same stories. It's hardly enjoyable viewing, but in its intensity Precious is certainly unforgettable.

Anthony Morris (this review appeared in Forte #473)

Law Abiding Citizen

There are two kinds of vigilante movies: the ones where the hero - after seeing his or her family abused and murdered by criminal scum - declares war on criminals in general, and the ones where the hero declares war on the criminals directly responsible for his or her torment. One of the many reasons why Law Abiding Citizen doesn't work is because it's a strange mix of the two - but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

When nice guy Clyde Shelton (Gerald Butler) sees his family raped and murdered in front of him by a pair of home-invading thugs, he has ever right to expect justice. Slick lawyer Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx), on the other hand, just wants to get the case out of the way so he can keep moving smoothly up the ladder. So surprise surprise, while the lesser of the two evil thugs gets the death sentence, the really nasty piece of work gets off because he cut a deal and gave evidence against his partner. Fast forward five years, Rice is now the DA, and when bad guy number two's execution goes horribly wrong no-one really cares all that much. When bad guy number one turns up chopped into little pieces tho, attention turns to Clyde - and so begins one of those games of cat and mouse that are totally silly the second you spend even one second thinking about them.

There are plenty of twists and turns here, especially once Clyde gets himself locked up just as the vigilante starts targeting members of the legal community, but in every single case the explanation is so ridiculous whatever tension or thrills this might have had vanish without a backwards glance. For example, it's one thing to kill someone with a remote-controlled robot in a graveyard, but how did the robot - which is basically a massive gun on wheels - get to the graveyard in the first place? Butler gets stuck playing a mild-mannered guy who is also a super-smart insanely evil genius, while Foxx is just a slick and unlikeable lawyer; can both guys lose? Actually, no they can't - no matter who wins, the audience is the real loser here.

Anthony Morris (this review appeared in Forte #473)

Daybreakers

Resolutely old-school in its approach to vampires - they eat people, they don't have reflections, and they burst into flames if they try to get a suntan - while science-fictional in tone, with Daybreakers the Australian Spierig brothers (Undead), have created the kind of solid B-movie thriller that wins fans worldwide. There's only one problem: it's not all that much fun.

There's plenty to admire in this grim tale of a no-so-futuristic world where almost everyone has been turned into a vampire. The Spierig's have clearly spent a lot of time figuring out how this world works, from armoured and camera covered cars so they can drive in daylight to forest fires started by vampiric animals wandering into the sunlight. The characters are well thought-out too: blood scientist Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) is a man-turned-vampire weighed down by the burden of having to drink blood to survive - if vampires don't drink blood they turn into mindless monsters, which is increasingly a problem as blood supplies are running out. Everyone’s a vampire, remember? His boss Charles Bromley (Sam Neill) is far more comfortable with being a vampire (he had a terminal illness when he was turned into one), so when Dalton stumbles into the grasp of a small band of non-vampires who just might have a cure for vampirism, it's a bit of a two-edged sword. No vampires means no worries about lack of blood; no vampires means you don't get to live forever.

It's this rigourous approach to plotting that makes this such a watchable film even as the relentless one-note nature of the story starts to take it's toll. Daybreakers takes itself totally seriously from start to finish which, considering it's about vampires milking humans for blood, does make you wish that occasionally someone would lighten up and crack a smile. Presumably Willem Dafoe (as the car-loving redneck who comes across a cure for vampirism) was meant to be that guy, but he turns in a sombre, desperate performance that, while totally appropriate for his character, isn't quite the barrel of laughs that this film occasionally needs. The end result is a vampire film that remains solidly consistent without ever really bursting into life. Which seems appropriate.

Anthony Morris (this review appeared in Forte #473)

The Road

Cormac McCarthy’s bleak post-apocalyptic thriller The Road was a surprise bestseller – spare, tender and devastating. Here Australian director John Hillcoat (The Proposition) faithfully recreates that story for the screen. A father (Viggo Mortensen) and son (Kodi Smit-McPhee from Romulus My Father) wander across an America that has been destroyed by some unnamed disaster. Ruined cities and dead forests are devoid of life, and where life survives it’s in the form of cannibal gangs who hunt human meat.

Into this grey world the boy has been born, and now the dying father is teaching to him to survive as they head towards the ocean and perhaps some kind of salvation. The future of kindness, humanity and hope all rest on the boy’s half-starved shoulders. It’s heart-wrenching, and flashbacks to the boy’s dead mother (Charlize Theron) underline the fact that even good people give up on this wretched existence.

At times The Road is almost unbearably tense and yes, bleak. But the experience is a beautiful and rewarding one, heightening our sense of how precious life is, and what we may lose if we destroy the conditions of our existence. And yes, there is hope.

Rochelle Siemienowicz
(This review first appeared in edition #346 of The Big Issue.

Rochelle's Top 10 Picks for 2009

Here's my rather eclectic list, based on the fact that I didn't see nearly as many films as I should have. List compiled for The Big Issue Summer Edition #345. Only includes films that were given an Australian cinema release.


District 9 (pictured)

Most movies about alien ships landing on earth set the invasion somewhere in the vicinity of the White House – or certainly within the US. Much of the thrill of this (relatively) low budget sci fi adventure comes from seeing the action take place in the dusty grimy shanty-towns of Johannesburg, where the accents are all South African and the post-apartheid politics are complex. The aliens themselves are refugees. Their ship ran out of gas 20 years ago and now they live in segregated slums, serviced by Nigerian prostitutes, and with a disturbing penchant for cat food – cans and all. They look like a disgusting cross between lobsters and insects, and they’re nicknamed ‘prawns’. When a rather dim-witted human bureaucrat ,Wikus van der Merve (Sharlto Copley) becomes infected with alien DNA he finds refuge with the aliens and discovers his own heroism.

Directed by Peter Jackson protégé Neill Blomkamp, District 9 may not be the year’s most perfect film, but it’s certainly one of the most startling and original. Combining faux documentary footage, excellent CG effects and a central character whose journey reminds us of The Fly, it’s an exciting riff on themes of racism and xenophia.


Bright Star
True love has rarely been so beautifully evoked on screen as in this tale of the poet Keats (Ben Whishaw) and his romance with the sassy seamstress Fanny Brawne (Abbie Cornish). Visually glorious, Jane Campion’s return to filmmaking is simply sublime.

The September Issue
This documentary about the production of the September issue of US Vogue magazine is actually a portrait of two women: the legendary ice-queen Anna Wintour and the inspired art director, Grace Cossington Jones. The shallow world of fashion provides surprising insight into the nature of art, truth, beauty and commerce.

Disgrace
A pitch-perfect adaptation of JM Coetzee’s subtle and multi-layered masterpiece, this film sees John Malkovich in fine form as a disgraced middle-aged professor who flees the city to live with his adult daughter on her isolated South African farm. Directed by Steve Jacobs it’s deep, complex and surprisingly entertaining.

Samson & Delilah
This is certainly the most acclaimed Australian film of the year, and a surprising box office hit. Beautifully written, directed and shot by indigenous filmmaker Warwick Thornton it’s a tough love story about aboriginal teenagers in remote central Australia. Winner of this year’s Cannes Camera d’Or.

The Topp Twins: Untouchable Girls
Now in their fifties, Jules and Linda Topp are New Zealand’s famous singing, dancing lesbian twins. Involved in social justice and protest movements since their youth, this documentary shows them in all their wholesome home-knitted glory. It’s a joy to witness their cheerful good humour and their palpable sisterly bond.

Star Trek
JJ Abrams picks up the beloved franchise and runs with it, gleefully taking us back to a time when Kirk and Spock first meet as academy graduates. It’s a joy to see the familiar characters reinterpreted by hot young actors. A typically silly space opera plot is loads of fun, with Eric Bana as a seething Romulan villain.

Two Lovers
Joaquin Phoenix is at his best as a conflicted and troubled young man who can’t decide between two women. Tender, funny and true.

The Choir
Set in a harsh South African prison (South Africa seems the theme this year!) this uplifting documentary shows the transformative power of music as a charismatic choir master brings discipline and meaning into the lives of young prisoners.

Rachel Getting Married
Anne Hathaway proves she’s more than a fresh-faced ingénue. She trails tragedy and angst as a young woman who leaves rehab to attend her sister’s wedding. Directed by Jonathan Demme this is a small verite masterpiece.

Rochelle Siemienowicz

The year in films: 2009

We all know that the whole point of these "Year's best and worst" lists is to get you all annoyed that your fave films didn't make the list while I get even more angry that I wasted so much of my life watching rubbish. So in an attempt to defuse the hate, let's group the year's best and worst into categories rather than singling out individuals for the love - or the hate. So to kick off with the love, 2009 was a good year for...

Clint Eastwood: Damn, but Grand Torino was a great film (caution: view not shared by Rochelle). Well, if you're a Clint fan it was - otherwise, it was just the story of a grumpy old racist.

Films that defy easy category: A classy movie about wrestling? The Wrestler. A crazy World War 2 mash-up? Inglorious Basterds. A serious mockmentary using aliens as a metaphor that turns into a ray-gun shoot-em up? District 9.

Australian film: Because whether you liked them or not, Sampson & Deliah and Mao's Last Dancer did exactly what they were supposed to.

3D films: Avatar might be getting all the press now, but where was the love for the excellent My Bloody Valentine 3D and The Final Destination 3D?

Horror films: Mostly because Paranormal Activities was amazingly creepy. Oh, and Unborn was the best evil kid movie of the year.

Comedy: Some people liked Funny People. Some people liked The Hangover or Observe and Report. Hell, some people even liked Borat. With so much to chose from, how could you go wrong?

Horror-comedies: Zombieland really looked like it was going to be a dud. Guess there's life in the undead yet. And Drag Me to Hell was this close to being the film of the year, it's that good.

Foreign Criminals: The Baader-Meinhof Complex and Gomorrah were both based in fact, and still managed to be more gripping than any number of so so "action" films (as listed below).

Disaster films: Because 2012 might have been dull once it stopped wrecking up the place, but when it was throwing LA into the ocean it was awesome.

And the film of the year... Star Trek. Whether you were a long-time fan or couldn't stand the adventures of Starfleet, this was pretty much the most fun you could have at a cinema in 2009.


Meanwhile, on the dark side of the moon, an awful lot of crap movies were lurking, waiting to pounce. And pounce these ones most certianly did...


Ricky Gervais: Remember when people still thought saying something clumsy and then lingering was funny? Ricky does. Everyone else moved on the second his clumsy twaddle - AKA The Invention of Lying - hit the screen.

Australian films: Because whether you like crime films or not, Two Fists One Heart and The Combination would have gone direct to DVD anywhere else in the world. Others like Last Ride simply proved we like our arthouse a little too much.

Vampires and Werewolves: Two great tastes that taste crap together. Twilight: New Moon was, er, not good - but really, neither was Underworld 3.

Horror films: Mostly because Friday the 13th was pointless. Oh, and Case 39 was the worst evil kid movie of the year.

Horror-comedies: Lesbian Vampire Killers sucked in all the wrong ways. And if you don't think Dance Flick belongs here, you didn't suffer through it.

Chick flicks: Sure, it's easy to pick on them - but that's because films like Bride Wars and He's Just Not That Into You and The Ugly Truth are just no damn good. Confessions of a Shopaholic did have its moments though.

Action films: 12 Rounds got a cinema release but Crank 2 and Punisher: War Zone didn't? Weak.

Spin-offs: They almost always suck. Still, you might have thought Wolverine would have got it right. And you'd have been wrong.

Remakes and sequels: They got The Taking of Pelham 123 right the first time - why do it again? Saw 6? Even the fans stayed away from that one. And don't even mention Terminator: Salvation.

And the worst film of the year? No question or doubt: All About Steve. It's only because she always has at least two movies in the pipline that Sandra Bullock even has a future after this nightmare of a stinker. And even her emergency planning shouldn't be enough to salvage her career after laying a turd this big.

Anthony Morris (this appeared in Forte #470)